Can a toddler die from crying it out (and other things I’ve researched lately)

Eighteen-month sleep regression is a thing, and I am one sleepless night away from certain death—or maybe just some perplexing online purchases. 

I tried to call PayPal customer service while having a staring contest with Vivienne at 2:30 am last night—er, this morning. No one was available to answer my call, so I decided to close my account. It may seem like an extreme decision, but closing said account prevented me from buying a $25 Poreless Deep Cleanse Mask Stick at 5 am, which I would have found deplorable at 3 pm the following afternoon after a nap and a shower.

The twins are 20 months old. When you adjust for prematurity, they are only 16 months old, and I’ve found that some of their milestones lie somewhere in-between their actual and adjusted ages. So here we are, 20 months in, having 18-month sleep regression. 

Remember when I sleep-trained my kids? Ha. 

A couple of nights ago, when Vivienne had fallen asleep, but I was too terrified to put her back in her crib, I did some research.

Can you die from toddler-induced sleep deprivation?

Can toddlers have insomnia?

How to exorcise insomnia from a toddler

Can a toddler die from crying it out?

None of my research yielded any scientifically backed, peer-reviewed studies, and for that I am deeply sorry. 

I did, however, read that when your child experiences 18-month sleep regression, you can use the same sleep training tactics you used before. 

Whoever wrote this has never owned a toddler. 

Sleep training usually involves some amount of letting your kid explore ways to put themselves back to sleep. Instead of rushing into the nursery like the Storming of the Bastille, you let your kid whine and maybe even cry for however many minutes you, the adult, can tolerate. 

Ok, cool. I saw how that worked when my kids were more docile creatures incapable of running laps across the crib in an exhaustion-induced stupor until they fall and smash their faces into the crib railings. But they are big now, and fast, and have very poor judgment and proprioception. 

I wish I were writing this to give you the cure for 18-month sleep regression, but this is more of a warning.

Do not let your toddler cry it out if she’s running laps across the crib like a drunk Usain Bolt. 

In an attempt to offer you some help in your moments of desperation, here are the things I tried that did not work:

Rocking the chair faster

Not rocking the chair at all

Playing music

Not playing music

Turning the sound machine up

Turning the sound machine down

Laying on the floor

Laying on the couch

Laying on the porch

Covering her head with a blanket (Relax, Partypooper. It was knitted with air holes for a time such as this.)

Reading Amy Tan’s writing memoir

Crying

Crying while begging her to go to sleep

Texting an SOS to her grandmother at 3 am 

Offering her a cup of coffee

Taking the cup of coffee away and offering her a bottle of milk

Turning all the lights on, giving her a basket of laundry, and telling her that if she doesn’t want to sleep, she has to at least fold the laundry. 

Now here are the things I thought about, but did not try. If you do try them, please let me know how it went. I’m compiling data for my upcoming peer-reviewed study on desperate parenting moves that may or may not work. 

Going for a jog

Going for a walk in the baby sling (with me in the sling, of course)

Going for a drive (this seems like an obvious one, but if your car has gas in it, and you are capable of driving safely, and your toddler is wearing enough clothing to put him in a car seat at 2 am, you are not desperate enough to be reading this.)

CBD oil (I couldn’t find any legit research to approve it for a healthy toddler. Praise the Lord my judgment was intact enough to look into it at 2:22 am.)

Painting her nails

Avocado facial

Aromatherapy (sorry, oil friends. The research is insufficient and my kids have lung disease.)

Sleep dancing (would have tried this, but when I researched I only found rain dance and snow dance, and I didn’t want to summon the wrong thing. Florida is in enough trouble without me adding snow to the mix.)

Now that I’ve established myself as the expert in 18-month sleep regression, I trust you will follow my hard-won wisdom, and just do what it takes to survive.