We (meaning me and the babies) got on the 1000 hours outside movement, which is hilarious considering I spent most of my life trying to spend zero hours outside. What can I say? I didn’t have Instagram to influence my decisions in early adulthood, so I stayed inside on account of the heat and the …
My kids eat with the ferocity of starving wildcats. They sit in the bike trailer or at brunch, entertaining themselves with their own fingers for an hour if they have to. I know I should have no more children because these two spoil me—unless it’s nighttime. Some parents get good-tempered toddlers with healthy appetites and …
Dear Tropical Vegetables, Yes, you, yucca, malanga, ñame, and green plantain, I would be raising a brood of malnourished toddlers if not for you. Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful that you lay down your plans and desires—your little plant life—to feed my family. I’ll pick you up in the produce section …
I bet you didn’t even know I was hiring. After all, what’s a write-from-home mom like me doing with enough work to merit an assistant? Well, you’re in for a surprise. A month ago, I posted a position that I hired for three times last year, and all of my hires fell apart under the …
I am the 35-year-old mom. I tried the TikTok heatless curls trend and ended up looking like a jet-lagged and malnourished Ursula instead of the curly-haired version of Aphrodite TikTok promised. I am a sucker for viral trends. Don’t judge me for frivolous expenditures on instant coffee and a peel mask for baby soft feet. …
So you need to help your toddler gain weight? Same, sis. Same. The internet is full of false promises and toddler protein shakes with ingredients like corn maltodextrin, sugar, and canola oil. For the love of tacos, do not feed that to your children. (I needed a minute to compose myself after I read the …
WubbaNub: An $18 pacifier with a tiny stuffed animal attached. We have nine WubbaNubs—NiNe, $18 pacifiers, 4 of which are awaiting surgery. Thankfully, the 431 other pacifiers we own came free with our $10 million NICU stay. The first Wubbanubs were a therapeutic purchase. The girls’ mouths weren’t even big enough for a standard pacifier, …
My awareness of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit was nonexistent until I started spending my days with my nose pressed against the isolettes in which my daughters lived. “I used to be your house,” I would tell them. “And you thought this was a better option?” I have a tumultuous relationship with awareness months. How …
Eighteen-month sleep regression is a thing, and I am one sleepless night away from certain death—or maybe just some perplexing online purchases. I tried to call PayPal customer service while having a staring contest with Vivienne at 2:30 am last night—er, this morning. No one was available to answer my call, so I decided to …
One of my kids is debatably short gut. Like a relationship before the DTR talk, the diagnosis is complicated. Once upon a time, my daughter went to surgery and came back having traded two feet of her small intestine for a (MIC-key) button sticking out of her belly through which I was to feed her …