I bet you didn’t even know I was hiring. After all, what’s a write-from-home mom like me doing with enough work to merit an assistant? Well, you’re in for a surprise.
A month ago, I posted a position that I hired for three times last year, and all of my hires fell apart under the pressure. It’s not sophisticated work, and I am not a tyrannical boss. I just need someone who accepts that life is terrible and we can’t fall apart when the burden is large or awkwardly shaped, or when we forget to check the forecast and get caught in torrential rain, or when a toddler spills oat milk.
I also need one person, not three different ones depending on the occasion. I’m about having and doing the bare minimum needed to be effective and efficient, and I need my employees to uphold my brand like that.
Last week, I secured the hire of a lifetime. I’m dying to present you to her, but first, I want you to experience the job posting that brought us together.
Job Title: Lead Key Holder and Organizer
Department: Local Travel Operations (with potential to expand into Domestic and International)
Supervisor: Chief Chaos Officer
Salary: $150-$300 onetime fee
General Job Description:
The Lead Key Holder is a demanding role for the most adventurous and resilient of Key Holders. In this swift-paced, provocative, and sometimes messy environment, it will be your responsibility to keep the keys, the electronics, the pens, and the women’s personal hygiene products in their places. Should the keys—or anything else—be misplaced, the CCO will look to you to find it. Should something be found, the CCO will look to you to carry it. You will hold the most beloved and the most banal of possessions and projects. It will be your job to ensure that when the CCO needs it, it’s unbroken and accessible.
Key responsibilities:
Holding the keys to the house, the car, and Abuela’s house. (With opportunity for advancement to holding keys to the future vacation home, Airstream, and boat.)
Organizing the CCO’s intimate and professional belongings in a way that is logical and efficient to access. (These possessions include, but are not limited to: iPad, keyboard, Apple Pencil, pens, one or two notebooks, makeup, personal hygiene items, a knitting project, two pairs of prescription glasses, two pairs of readers, one or two books, a wallet, a water bottle, and an occasional refreshment.)
Managing the Junior Organizers (read: small zippered pouches) to ensure they don’t become a wreckage of hair pins, pens, and receipts from three years ago.
Regularly take on additional organization duties for the two Junior Chaos Agents who sometimes (and sometimes don’t) report to the CCO.
Protecting small and medium-sized electronics from dings, scratches, cracked screens, scribbles, and tiny finger prints.
Protecting all personal and professional belongings from theft or burglary, which will require you fight off the Junior Chaos Agents with gentle, but firm, force.
Toting everything you’ve organized from Target Drive Up to doctor’s appointments and everywhere in between without falling over, dropping, or losing anything.
Qualifications:
References from at least 500 people who have battle tested you for over one year and can authenticate your durability.
Stain, spill, and wrinkle resistant
Must have middle zipper compartment. (Non-negotiable.)
Must match the mostly neutral aesthetic that the CCO tends to rock, and must be the kind of beautiful where people stop and ask the CCO where she found such a lovely and functional Key Holder. (Traditional beauty is not a requirement, most shapes and materials will be considered.)
Minimum size requirement: 15” x 12.25” x 5.5”
Must be able to carry 25 pounds for two hours at a time without showing signs of wear and tear.
Social responsibility strongly preferred.
Backpacks and primary colors need not apply.
Contract: Yes. three-year minimum contract required. If you break before then, your payment will be rescinded.
Benefits: Absolutely none.
Schedule: 24/7, 365
Education: Montessori preferred.
Work location: Must work from wherever the CCO is working, no remote working under any circumstance.
The job description is transparent about how demanding the work is. I was nervous about scaring off applicants, but this has to be the last time I hire for this position for at least three years. I had to make sure the applicant knew exactly what she (or he, I guess) was getting into.
Last week, on Friday, she arrived at my door in all her muted army green glory and said, “It me.”
I also hired her little cousin who also has a middle pocket and was also willing to sign a three-year contract.